That feeling when…You have to restart your blog

I wasn’t sure if I remembered my login details or not it has been so long. The thing is, whenever I feel a bit anxious, unsure or the need to work through some type of emotions, I realise that writing is almost always the solution for me.

I used to write in a physical journal. I was angry, embarrassed, sad, scared, lonely and completely confused. Then my mom found that journal years later (perhaps I shouldn’t be reminding you!HA!), and I felt so ashamed: for two reasons. 1) that she had seen the raw anger in me that wasn’t sensored and I felt so vulnerable that anyone had seen it and 2) because I no longer felt even close to those emotions so it was embarrassing for myself to even remember that I had felt that way.

Since then, I tried blogging off and on, as you can see. But what is the motivator? What is the theme of my life? Who am I? As soon as I got busy, too busy to have time to think about my various existential crises, I stopped.

I’m still ‘busy’ in the sense that I don’t have a lot of time to myself, but I do have time to take up that ‘pondering’ mood which means I need my writing outlet back again. Do you want to know what the real trigger was? Jealousy. For some reason I can never escape that beautiful green goddess. She captures me every time. Writing keeps her plunging me into bundle of sadness. It helps me feel accomplished. It helps me feel like I’m at least taking some step towards a ‘goal’ whatever that may be. (Yes, you can ask me, it was about an academic situation)

Originally, I started this blog to talk about travel, adventures, work, my life and to think about the academic world vs the real world. I guess travel and adventures continue…We just got back from an amazing explore of the South Island of New Zealand. And academic stuff? Well, I’m supposedly doing some early childhood education training. Who knows where the real world is…

I’m restarting because of THAT feeling. The need to write. The need to do some deeper thinking and searching (and yes, I totally also did get a big, fat, part time job rejection email recently too). Also, the need to just share with the void…

Be prepared for lots of photos of my little one. I’ve joined the ranks of the moms who stay home, so there will be lots of thoughts on that too.

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Do it for the poor

I was told recently that ‘poor’ is no longer a PC term. I always used to call myself that, and I fling it around without care. ‘Low income’ is the correct term, but it doesn’t really encapsulate the same feelings in myself. Oh well.

So I work for a charity. This morning I have some time to kill because I just got a nice new camera and I need to take photos of all our shops–one of them is right down the street for me so I’m getting a late start.

I always wanted to work in the non-profit sector–which I guess university is supposed to technically be a part of. But what I mean is I wanted to make a difference and help the poor. Perhaps make it so there are less poor, or the poor at least can jump a bracket into the slightly impoverished state. In the western world even the poor have #firstworldproblems. That makes my job more interesting. It doesn’t change their status, their pain and suffering, but its not quite as exotic.

Despite my post a while ago saying the honeymoon was over–it doesn’t mean I want a divorce. It just means I’ve got to work at this and find the balance.

Now that I realize that I can quit my job, change my career and do whatever its become a matter of fine tuning. Life is too short to be angry, upset or hate your job. I do feel some dread at the moment, but the good still out weights it all.

On the plus side, my celery plant and ginger plant are growing. I should learn from them…

The world hasn’t stopped spinning yet

You know how when you are little and in school, and you miss a day–you think to yourself, how could they possibly carry on? What were lessons like, and how did everyone not feel the gaping hole left by your absence?

If your school was anything like mine, you quickly learned that it did go on, because the catch up homework was insane. Everyone else had theirs done, knew the lessons and information except for you.

Last year as a teacher I learned that it can actually be quite lovely to miss class and set an assignment for someone else to oversee. I didn’t even mind the extra grading.

The world never stops spinning it seems.

Well, I had stopped blogging for a while and the world kept on. I stopped because I finally managed to get a job. That big magical J-word that should somehow complete me, give me an identity and pay the bills. Well, one step at a time. It is just for 6 months, and it is not my identity, but it will do.

Then I went to my sister’s wedding which required 2 weeks off 🙂

At school, you know how to catch up, as a teacher, you pre-plan your missed days, but in the normal work force, your own little corner actually does stop spinning. Its an odd game of catch up that I’m playing now. I don’t hate it, its just a new experience. Perhaps it finally is satisfying that inner self-centered demon we all keep telling us only I can do that job…well, for the moment because you are the only one assigned to it, but lets end on a happy note.

The magical flying beast and Matrimony teaser

After 2 magical weeks in the USA, we are back in New Zealand. The process always feels so magical to me. Chris commented this time that it messes with his sense of distance. When he drives somewhere you have to physically see each tree, stone or house that passes you by. Perhaps it effects me slightly less as a passenger in the car, but his comment really struck home with me. I can tell how far I went in a car, and I know I can retrace that journey. In the air plane I am dependent on others.

We spent most the first week with wedding prep, and the second with a sort of detox that only those who have done DIY weddings can understand. In the end the wedding was absolutely perfect. And by perfect I mean it had little hiccups that make it unique along with tears of love and sparkles. The main pictures won’t be out for a while, but I wanted to just post one action shot taken by my uncle.

Laura and Dawson Van Pelt

Its been about a month since my last post which can only mean one thing…I’ll tell you next time.

Out for the lols

Sometimes, for no reason, I just get sad. I figure this is pretty normal, and especially when I have lots of time on my hands to contemplate my existence. Chris suggested that I missed my family and the day-to-day bustle that I know I’m missing out on by being half way around the world. That is possible.

But he came home yesterday amped about going to a comedy show he’d read about on an obscure website. It took some convincing for me to leave the house, but eventually I did, and it was worth it. It was at the Fringe Bar.

Of course we got there stupidly early, but we got a comfy seat on the couch and proceeded to laugh for the next two hours solidly. I never realized before that Chris liked to analyse comedy. Had it been any form of music, I would have been right there, but unfortunately all I could say was that I loved it. Which is odd since I’ve worked often with ancient comedy. To shock and surprise and push taboos is what I always read about, why did it take me so long to find it interesting in a modern setting?

I was also hit by a revelation when the MC commented that the people backstage were nervous. I wished I could go back and tell them, “don’t worry, I am an easy laugh, and I want to love you.” Thats what I wish people would say to me when I’m on the other side (not the laugh bit, that would upset me since I’m NOT funny). Audience or performer, we are all these separate little entities wrapped up in our own little lives.

We’ll be going there again…maybe next time I’ll keep the camera handy.

The Holidays

Its hard to write when you aren’t alone. So I guess it is no surprise that over the past two weeks I’ve written nothing at all. That doesn’t mean I was uninspired or out of ideas, but I need solitude to actually make something come out of this brain of mine.

It was our first Christmas just the two of us, and while I think Chris was sad and a little lonely for family, I’m still excited by new traditions forming and slow relaxed pace. I did miss the chaos and noise, but I guess next year we will more than make up for it all.

For New Years we went down to Dunedin–the city where Chris and I met. We spent the evening apart, as he had a stag thing to do, but the rest of the trip we wandered around reminiscing about where it (meaning our love–queue sappy music) all started.

In terms of tourism, I feel like Dunedin could probably occupy about 2 days of your time just wandering around the city (although I use that term loosely) and using it as a base to look at a few nature-esk things.

We had fish and chips (the fish is under there I swear)

up at the top of Signal Hill like we had previously.

Chris told me the first time I was polite, and the second time I told him I hated nature. It was a lovely day (actually Dunedin played a nasty trick on us by being warm and sunny for our entire trip) and I enjoyed the company and view.

If you make it down, the only pub I can recommend you go to is Inch bar. I love this place so much. It feels a bit like a hobbit hole, and they have a new owner since I was there. They have also expanded to have a stage. Yes–electric violin the night I was there. Pure bliss.

The reason for the trip was really our friend’s wedding. It was stunning. Nature was their main decorative theme, and we gathered around in this basen-like-hill place (I’m sure there is some technical geological term for it) in a place called Karitane (just 30min from Dunedin) and watched them hike towards us to a German singing over the rainbow on the ukulele.

It was stunning.

The food later was amazing.

Don’t mind my pissed off face, I didn’t know what Chris was doing with my phone…

Also, this is New Zealand, so it wouldn’t be complete without a visit from SHEEP. I love sheep so much.

I couldn’t think of any good New Year’s resolutions. I tend to not have any, but I’m still thinking…

Working and Spending

I feel like I must have read this article about how we work and consume a few years back when it first came out. If you have read Lifestyle Has Already Been Designed, please take a second to. It really changed quite a bit about how I think and helped me to prioritize what is important in my life: i.e. spending time with family, having fun rather than being overtired, stressed but rich. As a naturally very stingy person, but also someone who wants to be comfortable and live in the world I was appalled by the contrived nature of the entire system.

Anyway, the article in question was making the rounds on my facebook feed and so I read it again and have been re-thinking it all. One thing that has changed now, is that I finally managed to get a job. It doesn’t start until January, but it is going to be one of those all consuming jobs. I’m excited, and elated, because as you know, I really struggled with finding self-worth in myself, and needed it in the form of some stranger willing to dole out money to me. So rational, I know!

Combine the new job with the Christmas season, and my little 1-year don’t buy any retail is so far out the window. I’m sure it will return soon, but I realized Chris and I were currently undergoing exactly what this guy had. The long time travelling, scrimping budget because there is only a minus number every month, suddenly you land a job and POW, you should buy starbucks–cuz I love it. Also…gingerbread frappuccino (cuz its summer here baby!!!).

The first step to anything is being aware of it. How you spend and why. I want to take back this consumer drive that I feel pressured into from global economies, and buy only what I need (not what they want me to need). I hope this is something I can start/maintain this next year. I’m not saying don’t spend–that is impossible. I’m saying think. There are some things like living which are so much more important (if you can even figure out what those are–I’m still working on it).